‘Who Am I?’
An Unresolved Matrix about Identity.
‘Who Am I’? is a matrix that I’ve been trying to figure out for some time now. For once, I thought I got it right only to find out later that the answer was unfinished and unresolved.
That happened after some periods of self-examination and reflection. It turns out that I’m not the person I thought I was, neither the person you think I am nor picture me to be. As alluded earlier, at one point, I thought I had it all and knew exactly what sort of a person I was. In my lenses, it was clear than crystal and I was sure about it. But guess what? It was all black and white lies that I fed myself and the people who believed in them.
Truth is, I’m not even as real, strong, and standing tall as I claimed to be or as I seem to be. No wonder, I have drifted away from the most important things that really matter to me — my spirituality, my goals, my friends and other habits that helped me grow as a person.
To some extent, realizing the truth about Who I am makes me feel much like the way NF felt when he said, ‘You’ll make up a slogan, call it ‘Real,’ but feel like you’re the fakest.’ Or like Jermaine who felt faker than snow on the bluff because deep down he knew he wasn’t doing enough.
Yes, I admit, I’m trying to do my level best but it’s just not good enough!
Nevertheless, I’m glad that I made this realization.
Bryson Tiller said it best;
‘Ch-ch-check yourself before you wreck yourself.’
Consequently, the realization comes in twofold.
On the one hand, the realization makes me feel pity — for myself — for not doing good enough and sleeping on me. I also feel pity for the people who think of me and look up to me like I’m some kind of a hero because if only they knew, they too would feel pity for me. I mean, I’m just a human being and that’s all I can be.
On the other hand, the realization is somewhat an enlightenment. Like Cole, ‘back then I ain’t know things, now I know too much.’
For sure, at least, I now have a proper and clear shot of ‘Who Am I’?, my weaknesses and strengths and certain areas that I need to work on.
Realizing that ‘Who Am I’? isn’t a question to be answered in a day’s time but a lifelong of trying to figure out who we really are inside, our purpose, our core values and things like that brings a sense of serenity to the mind and soul.
The journey to self discovery, if I’m to borrow a line from the writers of Forrest Gump, is like a ‘box of chocolate. We never really know what to expect’ or perhaps, discover about ourselves as we keep on moving forward.
To that, I can testify. As I limp towards my destination, I’m discovering something (old and new) and unique about who I am. For instance, I just discovered that I’m not even a soccer fan like that. Imagine not watching a single game of the Copa America and the UEFA Euro tournaments and worse, missing out their finals! Would you still consider yourself a soccer fan if you were me?
Another thing that I recently discovered with the help of my friends is that I’m an artist who just needs to dig a little bit more within me in order to find my medium of expression. These are just snippets, I’m yet to discover more unraveling truths about Who I am.
Henceforth, as I grow and as life continues to unfold itself, I have resolved to learn as much as I can and take notes about Who I Am as a person and the world around me. Because only by carefully and intently doing so, will my matrix be fully figured out beyond reasonable doubt!
Have you figured out your identity matrix yet?
Thanks for reading.
And kindly let me know about your thoughts on this piece of writing if you have any. Thanks once more!
